Understanding & Communicating

Sometime ago, a bunch of friends did a simple exercise together. We asked each of us to prioritise from a list those things that are important in maintaining a relationship, and not surprisingly Understanding and Communicating came up tops amongst us. It seems that many gurus out there who claim to be "experts" in relationship matters will likely tell you the same thing that communicating and understanding are important in relationships. Yet how often have we fallen into the trap of expecting our partner to understand and communicate when we ourselves refuse to understand and communicate???

Ironical as it sounds. I believe that everyone is unique. I believe that everyone has his/her own character which is inborn in him/her, with a personality that is built up to communicate with the rest of the world. I believe that a person's character does not change, but his/her personality changes or adapts to the circumstances of his/her life. So no two person behave or think exactly alike, not even twins. So when it comes to maintaining a relationship, do we seek first to understand or communicate first to be understood? Hmmm. This sounds like a ostrich and egg question (not chicken and egg as this is a bigger issue?). People say that Asians do not communicate well. I believe this is not true, yet to some extent we know that our society does hamper us in some ways. But I believe each of us are capable to communicate in our own special way. Yet, being so different from each other, we need some level of understanding.

Understanding and communicating are in some ways two very abstract words. To put it simply, I bring in the issue of expectations again. Like I mentioned before in my previous Great Expectations post, everyone of us has expectations. It is the same when it comes to a relationship. We all have expectations of each other, only that some demand less or are more easily satisifed. But do we make our expectations known to our partner? We know what we want but does our partner know what we want? Is it fair to assume that he or she should know. Are we supposed to expect the expectations? Hmmm. I guess not. So shall we start expressing our expectations and letting our needs made known to our partner, and similarly encourage our partner to do the same? Expressing our expectations is communicating, and allowing the process to take place enhances understanding. If you understand the need to express, you will communicate to understand. So the next time before you get angry with your partner for not doing what you expected, take one step back and ask yourself if you have expressed your expectations? Don't always expect him/her to know! It sounds silly but it is real.

Yet the above is usually easier said than done, but that does not absolve us for not doing it. I have learnt this the hard way and am still struggling to manage this aspect of understanding, communicating and expressing my expectations. But I think it is better than not trying at all.

Can this be applied to friendships too? I don't see why not. Perhaps the expectations and level of expectations could be different as compared to a relationship but I believe that as long as it is something to do with two humans engaging each other, it applies. Ponder ponder.